Most Days

I think I want to be fit and muscular and able to put on a size 6 which used to be a size 10 and look terrific in it. Then again, I am way beyond pudgy and there is something seriously comfortable about being invisible and ignored. What size do I want to be? I wish the answer was "Exactly the size I am" but it isn't. I hate my size and shape the most when I need to dress it. And when I want to run up stairs.

Having reached what most folks think is old -- I'll be 65 on my next birthday -- it is way past time to do something about my horrid lack of fitness.

See I don't even give myself credit when I do something. In the past year or two I lost about 40 pounds. This is the truth-telling place so I went from 266.6 to 226.6, a huge change. And then I got stuck. I have been rolling between 220 and 230 for many many months. I've been thinking about exercising, doing little bits, but nothing that sticks. I joined a gym and went a bit. But then I changed jobs and lost focus.

A neighbor who is nearly 80 takes a daily walk around the perimeter road of my development. It is a three mile circle, up and down a lot. Doesn't seem like much, does it? I admire her, enjoy coming upon her walking briskly farish from home. To me it seems like an insurmountable mountain climb yet this 80 year old does it every day. And enjoys it.

Well yes, I am all over the place. I started this to help me get moving again, to sort out what's going on and to get unstuck.

It is autumn, October, my favorite month. My beloved dog died 10 days ago. It is very hard right now. And, as I look at winter looming before me I no longer have my soulmate to force my fat ass outdoors twice a day whether I like it or not. My heart wants to hide out in a cave and let sadness engulf me. My brain tells me that I better use this as an opportunity to get moving and motivate myself before it is February and I have gained 20 pounds while staring at an upcoming birthday.

Yesterday I made gumbo. This morning I weighed 229.4. Yeah, you're not supposed to weight yourself every day. Tough shit. It's what I do.

I'm going to look for something to graph my weight and distance now. Yeah, and sit in my chair some more.