Why?

I'm in a new place with a new name. I want to hide and be very public at the same time. That may seem inconsistent but it really isn't. I want the freedom to say what I like, reveal personal information if I like, without concern that folks in my Real Life will mention or even know about what I say.

But I'd still like to talk to folks, to you. And I think I'd like you to talk to me too.

Amended: Everything before this post was on another blog I started when I had a week off in October. I moved it here. I am rather amazed that as soon as I got back to work I totally fell off of everything I was trying to do. That is a good lesson. Maybe I'll be able to learn from it.

Beautiful Day

Gardening, housework. On Monday I have to return to work after a week's leave. I hoped to regularize something before I returned, but that won't happen. Tomorrow a massage. Good for me !!

Ok, next mini-goal. Carry lunch to work three out of four days next week. Dentist appointment on Wednesday that mucks it up.

Walk 10 minutes at work or after Monday - Thursday. Yeah, sounds puny to me too. But regular anything would be amazing. It is just so damn hard for me to develop habits and so easy to lose track.

Ack ... all this negativity is not helpful.

I caught a few minutes of that person who wrote Eat, Pray, Love on Oprah. She said something that stuck -- Develop a new mantra. She said that I already have a mantra, all that stuff that runs through my brain all the time. All that stuff I wrote above, she says, is my mantra. And so it is. I learn and measure myself by what I repeat. So she is right. I should develop a new mantra. I'll work on that too.

Most Days

I think I want to be fit and muscular and able to put on a size 6 which used to be a size 10 and look terrific in it. Then again, I am way beyond pudgy and there is something seriously comfortable about being invisible and ignored. What size do I want to be? I wish the answer was "Exactly the size I am" but it isn't. I hate my size and shape the most when I need to dress it. And when I want to run up stairs.

Having reached what most folks think is old -- I'll be 65 on my next birthday -- it is way past time to do something about my horrid lack of fitness.

See I don't even give myself credit when I do something. In the past year or two I lost about 40 pounds. This is the truth-telling place so I went from 266.6 to 226.6, a huge change. And then I got stuck. I have been rolling between 220 and 230 for many many months. I've been thinking about exercising, doing little bits, but nothing that sticks. I joined a gym and went a bit. But then I changed jobs and lost focus.

A neighbor who is nearly 80 takes a daily walk around the perimeter road of my development. It is a three mile circle, up and down a lot. Doesn't seem like much, does it? I admire her, enjoy coming upon her walking briskly farish from home. To me it seems like an insurmountable mountain climb yet this 80 year old does it every day. And enjoys it.

Well yes, I am all over the place. I started this to help me get moving again, to sort out what's going on and to get unstuck.

It is autumn, October, my favorite month. My beloved dog died 10 days ago. It is very hard right now. And, as I look at winter looming before me I no longer have my soulmate to force my fat ass outdoors twice a day whether I like it or not. My heart wants to hide out in a cave and let sadness engulf me. My brain tells me that I better use this as an opportunity to get moving and motivate myself before it is February and I have gained 20 pounds while staring at an upcoming birthday.

Yesterday I made gumbo. This morning I weighed 229.4. Yeah, you're not supposed to weight yourself every day. Tough shit. It's what I do.

I'm going to look for something to graph my weight and distance now. Yeah, and sit in my chair some more.